Rocka Rolla, 3/12/17

A girl with a remixed leopard coat walks in as The Kinks’ “Lola” plays. She’ll probably be the most bangable person here on a Sunday night. By the time she’s taken her coat off and started sticking her tits out toward a guy that she shouldn’t, “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” by The Clash persists in keeping with the sort of faux edge of this bar. The thing that always bothered me about this song was that the clear answer to the question is that he should stay–because if he goes, there will be “double” the trouble. They–whoever “they” is–try to bring more distinct grit to the playlist with Slayer’s “Dissident Aggressor.” I feel like one most days for not having a real job, which I guess is why I’m here on a Sunday night. As I drink from my second “coffee thing,” an ill-advised combination of whiskey and frozen coffee topped with coffee grounds, a Long or Staten Island girl (it’s hard to differentiate sometimes) materializes.

Her abrasive accent doesn’t seem to bother the guy she’s with, who appears endeared that she would even know of a “dive” like this–the kind that plays Mötley Crüe’s “Kickstart My Heart,” now presently booming over the speakers. I always wonder if people like them come to places like this to “feel alive.” Like the sorority-esque girl who appears after the Long/Staten Island one to order three vodka sodas and describe a place to her friend as “smalltown.” The Misfits’ “Horror Business” appropriately provides the soundtrack to her yakking away authoritatively at her friend. All the while, I eye the “food” menu in front of me, titled, grossly: Heavy Meals.

It’s not a lie, however, as the options consist of shepherd’s pie, a sausage roll, pie, chips & beer and/or “homemade” pickled eggs. It all sounds both delicious and nauseating at the same time, especially as Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Suzie Q” swelters over me, as though urging me on to order something equally steamy.

Prince’s “I Would Die 4 U” provides a bizarre musical detour that proves Prince transcends all genres and walks of life. I surrender to ordering shepherd’s pie to make Lily Allen proud and my arse cheeks endlessly ashamed. The coffee thing has such a persuasive effect on one’s abdication of self-control. David Bowie’s “Young Americans,” I want to believe, is being played ironically as everyone in the bar looks faded and gray from clinging so strongly to that era of Williamsburg when Spike Hill was still around. As though to cruelly drive home the point that time has been pulled out from underneath them all–myself included–Steve Miller Band’s “Fly Like An Eagle” (sometimes mistakenly referred to as “Time Keeps on Slippin'”) succeeds “Young Americans.”

My reheated shepherd’s pie arrives and a girl with curly blonde hair regards me with the same expression she might use to infer shock toward the presence of a Hasid in her midst. I glare at her to the tune of Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way.” Fuck women, fuck men, fuck ’em all. Weirdly, I had just rewatched Empire Records the other day after thumbing through Alexa Chung’s IT and being reminded just how 90s-chic Liv’s plaid skirt and crop top blue angora sweater were. Of course, I could never wear such an ensemble without channeling Homer Simpson. Speaking of, the shepherd’s pie isn’t half bad on two coffee things. If I let someone anal fuck me tonight, there’s no question that I would take an instant shit. On that note, a gross guy (because they all are) wearing a “novelty” hat makes eye contact with me to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “Into the Great Wide Open.” So this is it now, huh? Crumbs of glances that might foretell foul one-night stands? I chug the rest of my coffee thing at the risk of having a heart palpitation and storm out of the bar as though someone has done something terrible to me. And, in a way, it’s true. Most people’s mere existence is insulting.

I think of a time when there must have been more quality control with regard to who moved to New York–a time when it must not have been so easy for everyone to “make it” here. And I stagger home, another Sunday troll scuttling back to her hole.

Complete Playlist

The Kinks-“Lola”
The Clash-“Should I Stay Or Should I Go”
Slayer-“Dissident Aggressor”
Mötley Crüe-“Kickstart My Heart”
The Misfits-“Horror Business”
Creedence Clearwater Revival-“Suzie Q”
Prince-“I Would Die 4 U”
David Bowie-“Young Americans”
Steve Miller Band-“Fly Like An Eagle”
Aerosmith-“Walk This Way”
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers-“Into the Great Wide Open”

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